Laughing Matters

Laughing 3E-mail your jokes to Deadline is the 20th of each month.

Submitted by Herb Wetzel
Steve was in a terrible accident at work. Oddly, however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated.

But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. After signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him “Do you notice anything different about me?” and the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Steve got very angry at his direct bold response and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied “Well of course, you have no ears.” Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question; “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Steve was shocked, and said “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?” The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”

Submitted by Frankie Roland
My husband had been appointed to a new congregation and they were having a “meet and greet” dinner to get acquainted with us.

Two older ladies sat down across from our two youngest children and began talking.
One said to our son, “What is your sister’s nationality?”

He looked shocked and said, “Why, she’s United Methodist.”

Don’t bug me
Submitted by Tammy Hughes
At dinner, Jimmy asked his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”

“That’s disgusting,” his father responded. “Don’t talk about things like that over dinner.”
After dinner, Jimmy’s dad walked up to his room and said, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, nothing,” Jimmy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

Life lessons
Submitted by David West
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Students: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

Ambiguous language
Submitted by Jan Weeks
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity and idiosyncrasies of English:
Don’t sweat the little things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three
tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went into a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” and she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Great catch
Submitted by Bernice Maloney
A 92-year-old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frog says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”

The old man puts the frog in his pocket.

The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.”

The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Submitted by June Ashcroft
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the cashier, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”

She leaned over the counter and said, “Bur-ger Kiiing.”

Pop culture
Submitted by Penny Fraley
I don’t really like watching basketball. I just watch it to find out who the next member of the Kardashian family will be.

Thoughts for today
Submitted by R. Shinkley
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave the wrong thing unsaid at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be
really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice the Roman numerals for 40 are XL?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Did you ever notice when you put the two words “the” and “IRS” together it spells “theirs?”

Tech tips
Submitted by Hal Biggs
I decided to make my password “incorrect” because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, “Your password is incorrect.”