Laughing Matters

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Deadline is the 20th of each month.

Five surgeons
Submitted by Robert Bennett
Five surgeons were discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon said, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second surgeon responded, “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded.”

The third surgeon said, “I really think librarians are the best because everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimed in. “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

Finally, the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong! Politicians are the easiest to operate on: there’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable.”

Say what?
Submitted by Lucy Bowman
It was Grandma and Grandpa’s 50th wedding anniversary, and all day long the house had been buzzing with relatives and friends offering congratulations. The whole thing had tired out the guests of honor. Toward evening, Grandma and Grandpa were taking advantage of the quiet in the parlor.

“Martha,” said Grandpa reflectively, “I’m proud of you.”

“What’s that, Pa?” Martha asked. “You know I can’t hear you without my hearing aid.”

“I said, ‘I’m proud of you.’”

“That’s all right,” she murmured. “I’m tired of you, too.”

Careful with that iPhone
Submitted by Kevin Ray
I was at the gym recently when I suddenly realized that I needed to fart. A song from the group KISS was playing really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. I grunted out five strong, loud ones back-to-back. After the song, I started to feel better.
As I sat up from the bench press I noticed that my fellow gym rats were staring me down with a look of disgust and disdain. That’s when I remembered I’d been listening to music on my iPhone.

Scotch with two drops of water
Submitted by Ivy Brown
A lady goes into a bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman thanks him and says, “Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”