Laughing Matters

Laughing 3E-mail your jokes to Deadline is the 20th of each month.

Submitted by Mike Janikian

An older gentleman was checking out an apartment available in a low rent district. While on the tour the landlady, making small talk, asked if he was still good at remembering faces.

The man replied proudly, “Why yes I am!” To which the landlady said, “Well that’s good because there’s no mirror in the bathroom.”


Rex Mortensen agreed to let a Life After 50 staff member take photo of him wearing shirt given to him by his wife.

Seeking donations
Submitted by Chrissy Kief

“Honey there are some people at the door asking for donations to build a new swimming pool.”

“Give them three…no, two buckets.”

City parking
Submitted by Nona Carver

A wealthy man walks into a New York City bank and asks for the loan officer. He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari, which costs $250,000.

The man produces the title and necessary paperwork and hands over the keys to the loan officer, and tells him the car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

After the man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the wealthy man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $23.07.

The loan officer says, “Sir, we’re very happy to have had your business, and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07?”

Secrets to a long life
Submitted by Denise Cliff

Young Johnny was sitting on a park bench eating chocolate bars. A man sitting opposite watched him finish six of them.

The man called over to Johnny and said, “Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.”

Johnny replied, “My granddad lived to be 105.”

“Did he eat lots of chocolate bars?” asked the man.

“No,” said Johnny, “he minded his own bloody business.”

Deal breakers
Submitted by Bev Duzenack

Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and fell head over heels for each other. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic—he immediately asked her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed took Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. He was convinced that she was his soul mate.

Every date was better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. As they enjoyed cocktails and waited for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you, but I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut—I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV—in short, I eat, sleep and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Linda paused, but then responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are, and I love golf, too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

Ed paused for a while, and then said, “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

Word count
Submitted by Bob Breazeale

If you’re like me, I think our politicians are way too long winded. The bills they pass are so long and complicated that they don’t even understand them. It seems like things used to be simpler years ago.

For example:

The Pythagorean theorem – 24 words

The Lord’s Prayer – 66 words

Archimedes’ principle – 67 words

The 10 Commandments – 167 words

The Gettysburg Address – 286 words

The Declaration of Independence – 1,300 words

The U.S. Constitution and all 27 Amendments – 7,818 words

The U.S. Government Regulation on the sale of cabbage – 26,911 words

Submitted by Alex & Mary Fran Baldo

A businessman traveling out of town for work decided to have a night on the town and went to a concert at the Smith Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics, and asked one of the venue workers, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Steve Smith, the famous scholar?”

“No,” replied the worker. “It is named after Kerry Smith, the writer.”

“Never heard of him,” the businessman said. “What did he write?”

“A check,” he replied.