Laughing Matters

Laughing 3E-mail your jokes to anthony@lafifty.com.
Deadline is the 20th of each month.

Moonshiner
Submitted by Bob Breazeale

John just inherited a small farm way back up in the hills of Tennessee. As John and his wife are looking around, they discover a small shed hidden in some trees. When they open the door, they find a moonshine still. They look at each other and John says, “I guess it’s true about moonshining in Tennessee.”

Later, they are eating lunch at the local restaurant and still talking about the still. The sheriff overhears them and arrests John. John’s brought before a judge.

Sheriff: “Your Honor, this man is a moonshiner.”

Judge: “How do you plead?”

John: “Not guilty, Your Honor. I wasn’t planning on making moonshine. I don’t even know how. I just inherited that place.”

Sheriff: “The law states that if a person is in possession of moonshine equipment, then that person is a moonshiner.”

John: “In that case, Your Honor, you had better charge me with rape.”

Judge: (Shocked) “Are you saying you raped someone?”

John: “No, but I am in possession of the equipment.”

 

One-liners
Submitted by Jan Weeks

If you had to choose between drinking wine every day or being skinny, would you choose red or white?

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You were never really skinny!

Time of Death: 4/25/20, 11:30 p.m.

Cause of Death: Coronavirus

I might have a slight drinking problem. My husband asked me to toast some bread for him. I raised my wine glass and said, “Here’s to bread!”

As you get older, you’ve got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, “Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years!”

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there.

It was the bathroom, but still …

 

Tea for grandpa
Submitted by Sheryl Fletcher

One day when I was little, my grandma was out and my grandpa was left in charge of me. I was maybe 2 or 3 years old. One of my favorite toys was a little tea set someone had given me.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water. After he had drunk several cups of tea and praised me for such yummy tea, my grandma came home.

My grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!” Grandma waited, and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

 

COVID puns
Submitted by Kevin Ray

So many coronavirus jokes out there; it’s a pundemic.

Due to the quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

Finland has just closed their borders. No one will be crossing the finish line.

Now is not the right time to surround yourself with positive people.

There will be a minor baby boom in nine months, and then one day, in 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story …

I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspaper. Times are rough.

The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.

What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The Wurst Kase scenario.

 

Actual ads
Submitted by David Downey

These are actual ads seen in “The Villages” Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?

Foxy lady Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4’ (used to be 5’6’), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Long-term commitment Recent widow who had just buried her fourth husband. Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.

Serenity now I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take out our hearing aids and enjoy quiet times.

Winning smile  Active grandmother with original teeth, seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Memories I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

Mint condition Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition but walks well.

Last but not least …

A lady in The Villages in Florida was sitting on a bench near another bench where a gentleman was sitting. She asked him if he was new to the community and he said,

“No, I have owned a house here for 20 years”

“I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!”

“I have been in prison for the last 17 years!”

She was stunned, and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife. She was stunned again, and after a long pause, said “So, you’re single?”