Laughing Matters

Laughing 3E-mail your jokes to Deadline is the 20th of each month.

Not a day over 30
Submitted by Ted Boothroyd
A very vain middle-aged lady decided to have a face lift and some plastic surgery. After the scars had healed, she hit the streets to show off her new good looks.
She went to the beauty parlor and asked the operator, “How old do you think I am?”
After a few moments of thought, she answered, “Oh gosh, I think maybe 28 or 29.”
The lady said, “Nope! I’m actually 41.”
“Wow,” the astonished operator said, “you look so much younger.”
Not yet fully satisfied, the lady asked the same question to the young trainer at her gym.
After a moment or two, the young man replied, “Golly, probably 29 or
“Nope!” she said. “I’m actually 41.”
She was elated, but still needed more reassurance, so she asked the grocery clerk, who replied, “Geez, maybe 30 or 31?”
She giggled and said, “Nope. I’m 41.”
She started to feel confident and young again when an old man approached her in the parking lot and asked if he could help her load her groceries into her car.
She said, “Why yes, sir. Do I look too old to be hefting my own groceries?”
He said, “No, ma’am. Actually, I can predict exactly how old you are.”
“How can you possibly do that?” she asked.
“I am very accurate at that ma’am, but first I must place my hand on your thigh.”
She was taken aback, but she agreed.
The older gentleman placed his hand upon her thigh and bowed his head in concentration.
After about 10 minutes, the lady asked, “So how much longer do you need to figure out my age?”
He answered, “Oh, I’m sorry. You are 41.”
Fascinated, the woman asked,
“How on earth were you able to do that?”
“Simple,” he said. “I was standing behind you in the grocery line.”

The loyal wife
Submitted by Nikki Dark
There was a man who worked all of his life, saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to money.
He told his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take it all with me into the afterlife.”
And so he got his wife to promise him that she would put all of his money in the casket with him.
The day finally came when the man died. Following his memorial, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”
She walked over and placed a box inside the casket. The undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend, who sat next to her, said, “I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m an honest and loyal wife. I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket?” her friend cried.
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

All’s fair in love and war
Submitted by Ted Boothroyd
As Joe walked to his car after leaving a restaurant, he saw two women fighting. He knew both of them—one was good looking and the other one wasn’t.
He asked what they were fighting about, and in unison, they said,
“We’re fighting over you,” then they resumed fighting.
Another guy walked over and asked what was going on.
Joe said, “Call the cops. They’re fighting.”
The guy asked, “What are they fighting about?”
“They’re fighting over me,” Joe said, “and the ugly one is winning.”

Head of household
Submitted by Beverly Duzenack
When everybody on Earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven,
God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the men in the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”
God turned to the one man. “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?” he asked.
The man replied, “This is where my wife told me to stand.”

Submitted by Bob Breazeale
We baby boomers like to watch re-runs of movies and TV shows from the ’50s and ’60s. I’m one of them. However, I’ve noticed that after I’ve seen a show a few times, I see things that I overlooked before. Recently, I watched an episode of the original “Star Trek.” In the background of one scene, I noticed a sign posted on the door of the women’s restroom of the Starship Enterprise. It read: “Where no man has gone before.”