Laughing Matters

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Deadline is the 20th of each month.

Laughing Matters

 

Turkey dinner
Submitted by Kyle Smith

 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, unable to find one big enough to feed her family.

She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”

Football game
Submitted by Annie Mattel

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, he asked her, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ It’s only 25 cents!”

Her first wedding
Submitted by Cherie Isley

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?””

The mother replied, “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

A klutz’s first day of hunting season
Submitted by Roy Bean

2 a.m. Alarm clock rings. I hit the snooze button.

3 a.m. Hunting partners arrive and drag me out of bed. We throw everything in pickup.

3:30 a.m. Leave for the deep woods, and beautiful backcountry and mountains.

5 a.m. Furiously drive back home alone to pick up my gun and license. Drive like mad to get back before daylight.

6:30 a.m. Set up my camp.

7 a.m. Head into the deep woods. Spot eight elk moving toward me. Now within range.

7:37 a.m. Take careful aim at lead bull, hold breath and gently squeeze trigger. Click!

7:38 a.m. Frantically load gun while watching trophy bull and seven elk go over the hill.

9 a.m. Head back to camp for coffee break.

10 a.m. Still looking for camp. Realize I don’t know where camp is.

11:58 a.m. Fire three shots, the signal for help. Notice wild berries. Eat wild berries.

12:05 p.m. Fire three more shots. Run out of shells. Eight elk come back.

12:45 p.m. Strange feeling in stomach. Realize I must have eaten poisonous berries.

1:35 p.m. Rescued! They rush me to nearest hospital to get stomach pumped.

3:30 p.m. Arrive back in camp. Leave camp to go after elk again.

3:50 p.m. Return back to camp for shells. Load gun. Leave camp again.

4:30 p.m. Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging me. Miss every shot.

5 p.m. Arrive back in camp. See eight elk grazing right near camp.

5:01 p.m. Load gun. Fire gun. One dead pickup.

5:35 p.m. Hunting partners arrive back in camp, both dragging elk.

5:36 p.m. Repress desire to shoot hunting partners. Stumble and fall into campfire.

6 p.m. Change clothes. Throw burned ones into campfire.

6:05 p.m. Take pickup, leave hunting partners and elk in camp. Pickup boils over because of the hole in the radiator.

6:16 p.m. Start walking. Stumble and fall and drop gun in mud.

6:25 p.m. Meet bear! Take aim. Fire gun. Blow up barrel plugged with mud.

6:26 p.m. Run fast, run very fast! Climb nearest tree, bear climbs…bear climbs higher…and returns to the ground.

6:29 p.m. Bear circles the bottom of the tree.

7:30 p.m. Holler loudly for hunting partners.

9:38 p.m. Bear leaves.

9:46 p.m. Cautiously climb down tree.

Small brown bottle
Submitted by Diana Oden

The other day I went to my nearby pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the pharmacist’s counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both on the counter.

The pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me.

“Yes,” I said. “Could you please taste this for me?”

Being that I’m a senior citizen, I guess the pharmacist decided it was safe to go along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now does that taste sweet to you?”

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth, said, “Hell no.”

So I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief. My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”

Baseball in the yard
Submitted by Chris Cruise

 A little boy walks over to his neighbor’s house and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door and the little boy tells her that he accidentally threw his baseball into her backyard.

The woman and the boy looked in her backyard but found no ball. The woman looked over at her shed and saw a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. Leaving the boy in the yard, she went in the shed, picked up the ball and went back over to the boy.

“Now how do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window and one look at the woman, the boy exclaimed, “Wow, lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”