Laughing Matters

E-mail your jokes to Deadline is the 20th of each month.

Vision Test
Submitted by Mark Laskowski

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take a vision test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S
T A C Z.

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish man replied, “I know the guy!”

Old fashioned
Submitted by Beverly Duzenack

My grandkids were over this morning for breakfast. We were all sitting at the table—they with their iPhones and tablets and me with my newspaper—when they started joking that I was old fashioned because I was reading the newspaper.

“Grandpa,” they said. “Everybody today uses a tablet like ours instead of the newspaper.”

I looked up from my paper.

“Let me see that!” I said.

I guarantee that fly never knew what hit him.

Dead duck
Submitted by Beverly Duzenack

A woman rushed into a veterinarian’s office with a limp duck in her hands. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and said, “I’m sorry. Cuddles has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” the vet replied.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “You haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador. With Cuddles’ owner looking on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but this duck is certifiably dead.”

He turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed the woman. The duck’s owner took the bill and cried, “$150? $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!”

The vet shrugged, “If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

A golfer’s problem
Submitted by Larry Anderson

A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and climbed aboard. He sat down on the bus next to a little old lady, his pockets bulging with golf balls.

The lady looked quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, he explained, “It’s golf balls.”

She quickly replied, “Does it hurt as bad as tennis elbow?”

The third wish
Submitted by Maynard Hesselbarth

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, “And what will your third wish be?”

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.”

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I wish I was irresistible to women.”

“Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. “That was your first wish, too.”

Stop smoking
Submitted by Sylvia Orvis

A man with a sore throat went to see the doctor.

The doctor examined him and said, “Do you smoke?”

He said, “No, I’ve never smoked in my life.”

The doctor said, “That’s a pity, giving up smoking would have really helped.”

Bubba calls 911
Submitted by Angela Spinella

Betty Jo passed away suddenly, and her husband, Bubba, called 911. The operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

“Down here at the end o’ Eucalyptus Drive,” said Bubba.

“Can you spell that for me?” asked the operator.

There was a long pause. Finally Bubba said, “How ‘bout if I drag her on over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

Grandma’s house
Submitted by Jamie Shaffer

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.

“She lives at the airport,” he said, “and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

New music
Submitted by Robert Ashton

Singers of the ’60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging Baby Boomers.

New releases include:

Herman’s Hermits: “Mrs. Brown, You’ve got a Lovely Walker”

Ringo Starr: “I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”

Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?”

Roberta Flack: “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”

Johnny Nash: “I Can’t See Clearly Now”

Paul Simon: “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”

The Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom”

Procol Harum: “A Whiter Shade of Hair”

Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”

The Temptations: “Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone”

Abba: “Denture Queen”

Helen Reddy: “I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore”

Lesley Gore: “It’s My Hormones & I’ll Cry If I Want To”

Willie Nelson: “On the Commode Again”